


i don't wanna sleep (i just wanna keep on loving you)

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Cheating, Infidelity, Insanity, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Murder-Suicide, NHEV, No Happy Ending Fest, Self-Harm, Unhappy Ending, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29397324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kyungsoo has teetered between being in lust and in love with Chanyeol for the past two months. Life since that fateful night has been nothing but paradise. However, it's only a matter of time before the summer ends and his husband returns home.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2020





	i don't wanna sleep (i just wanna keep on loving you)

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** R4-036  
>  **Prompt:** Cheater/Infidelity AU! It was supposed to be a one night fling, but Kyungsoo didn't know how he'd allowed his affair to get too deep, to go on for so long and now he's gaping, dumbfounded at the sight of his husband holding a knife to his lover's throat.  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Chanyeol/D.O, Kai/D.O  
>  **Word Count:** 8.3k  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** Major Character Death, Graphic Violence, Cheating/Infidelity, Jealousy, Self-Harm  
>  **Author's note:** Please read the tags! There are some moments of fairly explicit violence and self-inflicted injuries. Although they don't last too long, please be advised on triggering content.

Kyungsoo’s chopping carrots when the conversation is brought up. The knife shimmers under the kitchen lights, its freshly sharpened blade slicing cleanly through the vegetables. He maneuvers the utensil with the ease of a seasoned, Michelin-star chef. Occasionally, because he’s not perfect, he’ll slip and almost knick himself. But so far he’s managed to get by without any mishap. That is, until the giant moron interrupts his peace and barges in unannounced. By the way his hands are cold and damp against Kyungsoo’s skin, he can tell the other has come for one reason only.

“You’re not getting any taste testing privilege this time, Chanyeol. And no, you’re not allowed to use the guise of helping me out. Not after that little… incident on the counter last week.”

Chanyeol pouts, almost like a puppy, and crosses his arms. The whole stance is so childish, but there’s something about him that reawakens a throbbing in Kyungsoo’s chest. Maybe it’s his look; the way platinum blonde strands coiff nicely above his forehead, the way his arms show traces of ink swirled around his skin, the way his eyes capture Kyungsoo’s own with an alluring depth and energy. It’s a sight to behold, and usually Kyungsoo would be so sinfully quick to give in. But today… Today there is too much at risk. 

“You look distracted,” Chanyeol comments with fingers snaking underneath the other’s sweater. 

The words draw Kyungsoo from his internal musings. He can’t help that he’s on edge. Instead of thinking about it longer, he swats the curious hand away from his hip. “Yeah, I wonder whose fault that is,” he says, sarcasm blatant. “Anyways, stop messing around. We don’t have a ton of time left.”

It’s an innocent statement, really. We don’t have a ton of time left. He said it in reference to cooking, but they both understand its true implications. In a mere second, Chanyeol’s countenance becomes grim. It’s as if the occasion had slipped his mind and it suddenly came back. The distance between them feels much farther than the three feet they stand away from each other. Kyungsoo regrets saying anything. The silence continues for too long, freezing time so that they both have a moment to actually think about their grave situation. Kyungsoo hates it. Hates the tension. Hates to think. He’s almost panicking by the time Chanyeol finally acts to stir the soup on the stove. For a while, he guesses that it’s fine. They’re just going to move on like always and ignore the elephant in the room. But then a few more minutes pass and no one utters a sound. It kills him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kyungsoo provides, only to break the silence. Whether or not he would admit to it, he did mean it like that. Still, all he wants is a reassuring chuckle to wipe away his worry. Or a light kiss against his cheek to erase the ugliness welling up inside him. Yet Chanyeol remains unfazed, eyebrows knotted and head faraway. Kyungsoo knows the storm raging in the other’s mind, knows it all too well. He’s just gotten better at ignoring it and living on. He tries to gain the other’s attention in other ways. Their roles are reversed, and now he’s the one begging to touch. All his efforts are in vain though, because no matter what he does, Chanyeol refuses to even spare him a glance as he takes over cooking. Kyungsoo brushes against his arm and sweeps a hand across his back, but Chanyeol maneuvers around the kitchen like he is invisible. 

“Chanyeol,” he pleads. “Park Chanyeol!” No answer.

“Please, just look at me,” his voice cracks. At long last, the man turns around. Kyungsoo, relieved, releases a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. “Look, I-”

“We have to stop this,” Chanyeol blurts. It catches both of them off guard. So much so that for a second it looks like Chanyeol is going to abandon his thought and forget it. But shortly after, he straightens up and reaffirms the statement. “I can’t do this anymore. We need to put an end to this.”

At once, the blood in Kyungsoo’s veins runs ice-cold. No, it can’t end just yet. Not like this. He had long accepted a complication was sure to arise at some point in the day, but not this early and certainly not on Chanyeol’s behalf. A desperation quickly settles in. “W-What? Chanyeol, you can’t be serious.”

“Of course I’m serious! This isn’t a joking matter.”

Kyungsoo notices a tremor in his hands that wasn’t there before, but pushes it to the back of his mind. The mental sirens sounding urgent warnings take precedence. He can’t let Chanyeol go. No, he can’t give him up. No. “Damn it, Chanyeol. You can’t just back out on me like this! After all I’ve been through. After all I’ve risked for us,” Kyungsoo’s words are pleading.

The accused lets a scoff from his mouth, glaring daggers at the other. He aligns himself to his full height. “All you’ve been through? All you have risked? You are one selfish man, Kyungsoo. I put my relationship with my best friend on the line for you!”

Kyungsoo seethes, fists clenching into tight balls. “Yeah, well I betrayed my marriage for you!”

The cruel truth finally falls from his lips. It’s the first time they talk about this - the affair. Hearing their mutual sin voiced aloud brings a tsunami of shame over the two. The burden of despair bears down on his chest, but Kyungsoo cannot give this up - he’s already given up so much for Chanyeol. “Don’t you understand? I’ve invested so much in you, and we’ve only been doing this for a short while. I’ve forgotten the scars on my old heart in exchange for a new life with you. Chanyeol, you know very well that what I feel is not unrequited...”

And Kyungsoo’s right. They have only been involved for a month or two - however long this dance tour has taken - but what started as a one night stand now teeters on the edge of lust and love. There’s no mistaking the glossy shine in Chanyeol’s eyes when he cards gentle fingers through Kyungsoo’s hair, eyes reading right into his naked soul. The conversations they share after dark, legs entangled beneath warm covers, are far past the point of casual pillow talk. Whereas their beginning was a foolish, intoxicated mistake, they found a unique solace in each other. Since that night, nothing has been the same.

Chanyeol takes the time to ruminate on this statement. His lover’s statement. His best friend’s husband’s statement. The realization settles into his brain after several weeks of straight bliss, and Kyungsoo sees the connection being made. He shivers as he watches Chanyeol’s face come over with the same grimace he sees in the mirror every morning. The grimace that fully acknowledges the weight of one’s own crimes.

Kyungsoo knows what comes next. It’s inevitable. To break the fall, he chooses his words wisely. “Chanyeol… Darling… Please, this is the happiest we both have been in a very long time.” He crosses the floor tentatively, as if the slightest move could shatter everything he’s created for himself over the last two months. When at last Chanyeol is within his reach, he moves to cradle the other’s face. The spark of electricity that runs through them as their bodies and eyes meet is undeniable. But the moment is cut short when Chanyeol jerks away from his hand like it was a hot flame.

“How dare you,” he hisses. “How dare you praise our happiness when it was at the expense of another. Someone we both love.”

“Chanyeol, I-”

“This has gone on for far too long! Don’t you think it’s time we stop this? He’s not going to handle it well. We all know Jong-”

“Don’t say his name!” Kyungsoo all but screeches, fearing what will happen if he has to hear that name.

He’s panting, visibly so. He’s known all along that what they’ve been indulging in is morally wrong. But he’s been able to claw his way through life by feigning ignorance, by neglecting his obligations and pretending they don’t exist. But if Chanyeol says that name - he’s not sure he could survive the gravity of what it means.

The other sucks his tongue and obeys against his will. He relinquishes his previous argument and tries a new approach. “Look, I can’t lie to you and say I don’t feel the same because you would know it’s a lie right away.” When Kyungsoo huffs in relief, Chanyeol hastens to clarify his stance, “However, we don’t get to continue living in this little fantasy world we’ve created. Not anymore. Not when we run the risk of getting found out. Not when he comes home today.”

A bead of sweat rolls down Kyungsoo’s temple and he’s briefly reminded that they’re still in the kitchen. From the smell of it, the soup is done and ready to be brought to the dining table. A glance at the stove-top clock taunts him as it counts down the minutes to dinner. Realising that no progress will be made if they continue to argue amidst the heat of the kitchen, Kyungsoo backs down and admits defeat for the time being. “We should set the table… We’ll talk after that,” he promises with a small voice.

Inside he feels so tiny, so minute against Chanyeol’s defense. He recognizes the logic behind the other’s case. It’s what has perpetuated many a sleepless night and triggered one too many anxiety trips. It’s not like Kyungsoo is a stranger to these thoughts. If anything, they haven’t left his mind since the beginning. He just preferred to cast them aside and ignore them until the very last moment. It was supposed to be as simple as that, but now the matter at hand is exploding in front of his very eyes and demanding to be set free.

He’s terrified. Of what? He couldn’t begin to tell. The looming prospect of his husband discovering his treason. The expression of raw indignity that refuses to diminish from Chanyeol’s face. The resolute willingness to neglect his previous life of comfort for a passion that ignited only weeks ago. Every time Kyungsoo looks in the mirror, he can’t recognize the reflection before him - that frightens him the most. The fear translates into his body easily and rattles him in the most unsettling of ways. So much so, that he can’t keep his fingers from trembling as he configures utensils along the line of plates Chanyeol set on the dark mahogany table. Kyungsoo curses himself for letting his emotions bear themselves so glaringly when the other seems to have (somewhat) composed his temper. It’s a difference he once adored. There was no one else with whom Kyungsoo could tear down every one of his defenses and not feel vulnerable, but loved. Even with his husband, he was meant to be the one in control, strong enough for the both of them. Chanyeol let Kyungsoo be Kyungsoo in every way - unapologetically. How could he not fall deeply for the man?

It’s not like he actively sought to sabotage his own marriage by going astray. It was never a conscious decision to purposefully break the heart of a man he once would have moved the moon for. He didn’t ask to fall in love, nor did he ask to fall out of love. The feelings occurred as if they were a force of nature. Kyungsoo couldn’t deny them even if he mustered up the entirety of his strength. Tears weren’t there before, but they certainly are now.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol calls. The depth and resonance of that voice washes a wave of warmth over his body, comforting him in a way that was probably not intended. “Kyungsoo, come here.” The beckoned heeds his lover’s word. He crumbles inside at being acknowledged, desperately clinging onto any ounce of affection he can get. Who knows how much longer it will last? The moment Chanyeol takes both of Kyungsoo’s hands into his, he finally feels at home. “Look at me,” the man instructs with a sincerity signature to his personality. “You and I both know we have to stop. This moment was bound to happen, regardless of whether we expected it to be sooner or later.”

At this, Kyungsoo breaks their intimate eye contact. If he looks into those pools of earnest any longer he will drown in them, never to resurface. Chanyeol’s words shatter his heart into a million fragments, so why does he still find the man so stunning and irresistible?

“Kyungsoo,” that gorgeous voice says his name once more, commanding his attention. It takes every ounce of his resolve not to melt at the tender, but stern tone Chanyeol uses. Does he know that being so gentle doesn’t make Kyungsoo any more willing to abandon him? Does he know that it makes him fall even deeper in love?

Chanyeol draws Kyungsoo from his anxious thoughts with a light caress of his jaw. The touch sends shivers down his spine despite the context, and, just for a while, it seems as if the man will lean into him as he had many times before. The intensity with which Chanyeol’s eyes trace his lips proves the dissonance between his words and desires. But the moment is fleeting when he suddenly sobers and closes himself off again. “I don’t have to tell you how much it crushes me to do this. Everything you’re feeling right now, I’m feeling too. I imagine waking up without you and my chest squeezes painfully tight, so much so that it gets hard to breathe. And by God, I can’t fathom the idea of going back to being the best friend when you have filled my life with new meaning. It hurts, but I understand that I have to give everything up - even if I’m remarkably in love with you.”

The integrated confession makes Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat despite the delivery. To know, to finally know for certain that his feelings are requited… It builds him up in the best of ways, but breaks him down when he remembers why they are in this debacle in the first place. Why they can’t be happy - or precisely, what is keeping them from being happy. It’s no one’s fault but their own. As adults, they must own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but so is the guilt of their mutual sin. 

“There is nothing more I want than this,” Chanyeol fights the quivering in his voice. “But we know what must be done.” Kyungsoo hates the way Chanyeol chokes up. He wishes he could kiss the glimmer of tears away. But he’s starting to realize that’s no longer within his right. It never was. “My heart is screaming at me not to do this. But, my love, you know we can’t continue living in this fantasy. We’ve been playing charades all this time, pretending to be people we aren’t.” Kyungsoo wants to argue against that statement. He knows that Chanyeol really means that they have finally blossomed into the people they were always destined to be. But he also knows, in spite of his greatest longings, he was never Chanyeol’s to have. “Soon, the delusion will evaporate and we will go back to playing the roles we were meant to. It was the greatest blessing to have you while I did, and it only makes it that much harder to let you go.”

Kyungsoo chuckles wryly to hide the sob that threatens to break free. “Why does this sound so much like goodbye?” The sad look that Chanyeol returns says it all. In a way, it is goodbye. While they will continue to see each other a few times during the week, things can never be the same again. Kisses and hand holding and slow nights of intimacy will be left behind, and with it, so will the pieces of Kyungsoo and Chanyeol that will always be in love with the other. The realization doesn’t shatter him anymore. It still stings worse than anything else Kyungsoo has ever felt, but he knows what must be done. He swallows the lump in his throat and braves himself for everything that comes next: loneliness, emptiness, falseness. It isn’t ideal, but at least this way, he gets to keep Chanyeol in his life.

Their eyes meet once more and it puts their resolve to the test. Chanyeol breaks, revealing his fragility. “One last kiss?... Please?”

But this time it’s Kyungsoo’s rejection. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Chanyeol retreats into himself with the smallest gasp, but chews his lip and nods. “Right.” When he’s composed, he looks deeply into Kyungsoo’s eyes, communicates his sincere devotion, and mouths, “I love you.”

It catches Kyungsoo off guard, throws him for a loop when he was just beginning to believe he could stand his ground. Though he yearns for those words spoken aloud, Kyungsoo understands. Hearing that beautiful confession in all its nakedness would break them both a hundred times over. He stills himself and tucks this memory away for keepsake. Then, he simply nods and returns, “I love you,” just as silently.

From there it’s all formality to cover up how deeply their passion is rooted. They share one final embrace and revel in the affection, lingering until the moment is sharply interrupted. Kyungsoo’s blood runs cold when two dings - first from his phone, then Chanyeol’s - tear him from Heaven back down to Earth. After a moment of hesitation, Chanyeol gently pushes away from him to check the notification. The grim line his lips purse into confirms everything Kyungsoo suspects. The other exhales heavily, loudly and begins the process of transferring serving dishes to the table. With that, Kyungsoo understands that their time is up.

He almost decides against checking the message waiting for him. It’s childish, but if he refuses to see it, then maybe he can pretend it isn’t there. Maybe he can protect himself from the inevitable self-hatred that will come from reading the text. He opts to hover over the phone like a fool and delay his destiny until the end of eternity. However, eternity doesn’t prove to be very long and a second notification lights up the screen once more. Kyungsoo feels Chanyeol’s eyes locked onto him before the other has a chance to reprimand him. 

“Open the message, Kyungsoo. It’s not right to keep your husband waiting.” And oh, does that hurt like nothing else. Chanyeol’s already putting miles of distance between them and it’s barely been five minutes since they bade their love farewell. It’s for the best, Kyungsoo commits himself to believing. He wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise - someone has to.

Jongin  
Hi, darling. We just pulled in at the studio not too long ago. I’ve got a couple quick things to take care of here, but I should be en route to you in about twenty minutes. I missed you so much and I can’t wait to finally be in your arms again. It’s been hard being away… See you soon, angel. I love you so much.  
Delivered 17:30  
Okay, I lied. I’m ten minutes out. I couldn’t stand being away from you any longer. Can’t wait to give you all the love we missed out on these last two months, sweetheart.  
Delivered 17:34

Kyungsoo winces at the messages. He hates how they make him feel. Pathetic. Unworthy. Disgusting. Once upon a time, Jongin’s words caused his head to spin and heart to throb in the most pure of ways. His usage of endearing nicknames evoked the prettiest of smiles and put the object of his affections over the moon. The fact that his thoughtful words are doing the exact opposite right now makes Kyungsoo sick to his stomach. The shame is even worse than when he removed the heart emoticons from next to Jongin’s contact name - the ones his husband put there himself.

The revulsion must show on his countenance because the next thing he knows, Chanyeol’s hand is between his shoulder blades, beckoning him to sit. “Calm down. It will be fine,” he says while offering a glass of ice water. An hour ago Kyungsoo would have taken the reassurance with zero second thoughts and clung to it like a lifeline. But now, he can’t be so sure. Jongin is arriving in just under ten minutes. He is going to be standing in the epicenter of his loved ones’ darkest sins, unassuming and undeserving of every wrong done unto him. The question isn’t what could go wrong, but what could possibly go right?

Ten minutes passes and Kyungsoo hasn’t escaped his own brain. He was at a loss of what to do ten minutes ago, and he certainly hasn’t found his answer now. Do he and Chanyeol just allow things to smoothe over without full closure? He’s never been a good liar, so does he confess to Jongin and beg for forgiveness? If Jongin somehow finds out on his own, do they perform damage control or deny the happenings at all? The questions plague his brain until it feels like it might rot. Even when he weakly opens the door and is greeted with an armful of Jongin, Kyungsoo isn’t sure how to navigate these next steps.

“Kyungsoo, my angel,” Jongin mouths into the shoulder where his face is buried. He collapsed into his husband the moment their eyes met, one hand cradling his hair and the other wrapped securely across his waist. “It’s been so long, darling. I’m so glad to be here with you now. I can’t believe you’re really here. It’s been so hard, my love,” he rambles contentedly into the crook of his neck. 

Kyungsoo shivers from the breath that falls upon his skin. Jongin’s grip is tight enough for him to detect bruises coming in, but he concludes that he deserves them. Especially when he registers the disturbing thought that everything about their embrace is wrong. The weight and warmth should be familiar - five years cannot be in naught - but it feels foreign. Something about Jongin isn’t heavy enough, tall enough, loving enough - something about Jongin isn’t enough. The realization makes him sick to his stomach.

“I missed you so much. It almost feels unreal that I get to hold you in my arms like this,” Somehow, Jongin’s squeeze gets even tighter and it suffocates Kyungsoo to the point where he can see blackness at the edge of his vision. He reaches to tap out on his husband’s elbow, but his arms feel too gelatinous for it to be a productive movement. Luckily, Chanyeol seems to notice his obvious discomfort and clears his throat while looking away. The sight of the embrace hurts all the more when he was the one in Jongin’s place for the last couple of months. He scratches his nose to hide the glimmer in his eyes while waiting for his best friend to acknowledge his presence.

“Chanyeol! It’s been too long, my man!” Jongin greets with a gleeful expression. He reluctantly releases Kyungsoo, meeting gazes as if to pin him to the spot, and wavers in his place before walking over to Chanyeol. He salutes his oldest friend with a clap on his back and brings him into a bear hug. “I trust you’ve taken care of Kyungsoo while I was gone?” He asks so innocently, with so much trust, that Kyungsoo can feel his chest tighten in response. Yes, Chanyeol took care of him in his absence, but most definitely not in the way he thinks. Not in the way that’s acceptable for best friends to take care of your husband.

Chanyeol handles the situation much better than Kyungsoo would have, offering a tight smile in place of words. Whatever would have come out would have been much less convincing than necessary, so it was the safer alternative. A certain awkwardness hangs in the air above them and Jongin isn’t so unobservant as to miss it. He’s many things, but obtuse is not one of them.

“Wow, I didn’t realize I’d been gone so long that we forgot how to speak to each other,” he jokes with a chuckle to lighten the mood. Kyungsoo’s solemnity and Chanyeol’s hesitation prove his effort to be in vain. He tilts his head and raises his eyebrow at the lull in conversation, but moves on from the tense atmosphere. 

“So what’s for dinner? It smells divine in here!” Jongin saunters to the dining room with all the grace of a world-star dancer. His legs are lithe and long as they cross the floor and his arms sway gently with the rhythm of his steps. The easy movement catches Kyungsoo’s eyes and he’s tossed back into the turbulence of his own mind. It wasn’t too long ago that this beautiful body hovered gorgeously above his own in an act of intimacy. Those fingers entangled with his in a comfortable, practiced gesture that was more natural than breathing. Even the way Jongin faces the table, ladle in hand, reminds Kyungsoo of all the times he rested his head between those broad shoulders. There was a time he found solace and home in Jongin, but those days were long gone.

Kyungsoo wants to bury himself beneath a six-foot layer of dirt when Jongin turns to address him, “Did you make this?”

His eyes are so honest and inviting that it makes Kyungsoo falter. Regardless of how he feels about his husband, he can’t truthfully deny the beauty in those orbs. The tiny sliver of attraction finally gives Kyungsoo the courage to clear his throat and say something. “Yeah, I did. Are you hungry?” His attempt at words was pathetic at best, but it was something.

He doesn’t have to see Jongin’s vigorous nodding to know the answer. Chanyeol gets over himself as well and leads his best friend to sit at a placemat they previously set, engaging in the simplest amount of small talk he could muster. Kyungsoo is allowed the briefest moment to breathe while he busies himself with gathering beverages from the kitchen: water for him, red wine for Chanyeol and Jongin. It takes everything in him to not ruminate on the disaster waiting to happen. If he spends any more time imagining the possibilities, he will end up manifesting something he doesn’t want. He takes a few deep breaths before he feels composed enough to show his face again. 

Kyungsoo stops abruptly in his tracks and has to concentrate on not dropping the drink tray when he reaches the dining room. The air couldn’t possibly get any chillier, even with the cardigan draped over his shoulders. Jongin’s face, which is usually pinked with cheer and delight, is pallid. A stiffness freezes his body in place and Kyungsoo can see his jaw clenching from his place in the doorway. The eyes which emanated so much passion and joy are now frozen over and locked onto the illumination of Chanyeol’s phone screen. Kyungsoo is terrified to discover what caught his husband’s attention, but he can’t ignore the burning temptation to look. In the end, curiosity killed the cat. When he allows his vision to follow the path of Jongin’s gaze, fear strikes his heart and sends dread rushing down his bones.

Chanyeol was so, so careful. He rarely left visible markings on Kyungsoo’s body, he packed his toothbrush from the bathroom, he deleted dangerous texts between them. He never took any liberty and always thought one step ahead to avoid a sticky situation. But, of course, the one time he went lax and forgot to clean up after himself is the time when it matters most. The notification is still fresh on his lockscreen, an unsuspecting text from Baekhyun patiently awaiting a reply. It’s harmless enough, but all Jongin can see is the awfully suspicious photo of his husband, sleeping shirtless in their sheets, staring at him from behind the banner.

He cocks his head in utter confusion and scrambles to form a cohesive sentence, “Wha-? Who took-? Why is that picture your lock screen?”

Chanyeol’s fight-or-flight sense kicks in; he darts a hand out to cover his phone beneath it, out of sight. “Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about. What picture?”

Kyungsoo immediately reprimands the other in his head for such an obvious reaction - though, he’s sure he wouldn’t have done any better. Any chance of sweeping their summer affair under the rug has been destroyed. He waits with bated breath for Jongin’s response. This could go one of two ways: good or bad. If Jongin (by some godly stroke of luck) decides to turn away from the matter and focus instead on scooping his soup, Kyungsoo could run in and alleviate the tension. If Jongin pursues the issues - which is more likely anyways - all Hell could break loose. Any of Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s efforts to have a clean break would be futile, pointless. They would have a whole other set of problems to deal with.

Jongin chooses the latter and Kyungsoo knows the jig is up. If it were anyone else under Jongin’s scrutinizing gaze, he would have run for the hills and left them to fend for themselves. He’s beyond non-confrontational but Chanyeol doesn’t deserve to be alone in the hot seat like that. They have come too far for him to abandon him here. Kyungsoo knows from first-hand experience, after being married to Jongin for years, just how ugly this could get. His husband always struggled to regulate his emotions and could snap like an overstretched rubber band if they pull too hard. 

“Chanyeol,” Jongin utters gravely. “Why is that picture your lock screen?” The traces of confusion from before are gone as he begins to piece two and two together. The wallpaper, the tension, the silence. “Damn it, Chanyeol. Answer me. What does that mean?”

His best friend opens and closes his mouth like a trout but the words don’t come out. They’re lodged in his throat and stuck behind the wretched feelings of guilt and anxiety he’s kept trapped there for so long. Kyungsoo’s heart anguishes for him. It hurts to see the man he’s known to be so strong and level-headed at a complete loss for words. It pains him even more when it registers, again, that he’s at the epicenter of why. 

“I-”

“It means nothing!” Damn it. Kyungsoo hates himself for interrupting when he’s got no plan in mind. He starts spewing nonsense, hoping that his brain’s auto-pilot will soon kick in. “I asked him to take that picture for you. He must have accidentally set it as his background. Chanyeol, what a silly mistake,” he puts the drink tray aside to fake laughter that sounds more like dry heaving sobs. When he looks up to see Chanyeol crestfallen and Jongin livid, Kyungsoo knows he’s in deep trouble.

“I can’t believe you’re lying to me right now. Especially when you know I’ll see right through it,” Jongin scoffs at him. Kyungsoo only adds insult to injury when he attempts to refute the claim. Still, Jongin has always been smart and observant and a perceptive fellow. He’ll never fool him. “You’ve never been able to lie to me. Kyungsoo. What’s going on here?”

Kyungsoo reads Jongin’s body language like flashing warning signs. His jaw is so tight, teeth grinding against each other in a pitiful attempt to squash his building frustration. His fingers twitch so hard he has to grasp at his jeans to quell the tremors. He doesn’t say a word to indicate how close to the edge he is, but somehow his deadly silence is scarier. The display sends a blaring alarm through Kyungsoo’s ears because he knows what this means. If he isn’t careful enough, anything he says or does can trigger the tripwire. Jongin’s had his bouts of instability before - mainly prompted by forgotten meds - but it’s never been directed at anyone in particular. It’s never been directed at him. 

Kyungsoo swallows a painful lump down his throat. The weight of the world rests on his shoulders as he debates the choices he has. He can continue to lie and hope his innocent pretense eventually catches wind, but it would take a miracle and a half to pull that act off. Jongin was right in saying he’s never been able to lie to him, even if it was to keep a surprise under wraps. Kyungsoo could try his hardest and Jongin would sense the bluff in no time. It becomes glaringly obvious that his only choice is to confess the truth. But how?

“It’s… I… We…” He struggles to put the syntax together to form a coherent statement.

Jongin’s eyes are piercing, and not in the way he always admired. They are filled with accusation and mistrust and everything foreign to his amiable persona. “Well?” He prompts, impatient.

Kyungsoo looks to Chanyeol for assistance in his panic, but realizes his mistake too late. The simple glance explains enough to Jongin, who nods in slow confirmation. It tells him all too much. A single tear rolls down his cheek as he blinks rapidly. A whirlwind of emotions crosses his features, but he coaxes himself back into a stone-faced facade. “What the Hell happened between you two?” He demands sternly, despite the tears collecting at the corners of his eyes.

Only when he sniffs does Kyungsoo realize he’s crying too. He can’t decipher why. All he knows is that his heart hurts. Again, he finds himself at a complete loss for words. How is he supposed to answer that? In the end, all that comes out is an unintelligible whimper. “Jongin, please.”

Jongin pinches his eyes shut, brings a hand up to rub his temple, and hisses under his breath. “If what I think is going on, you don’t have the right to call my name like that. You don’t have the right. Stop keeping me in the dark and tell me that you fucking cheated on me.”

It stings to hear that out loud. The lead-heavy assertion, though true, cuts at his core. It even evokes a sharp intake of breath from Chanyeol, who had been able to maintain a relatively stable face. Jongin is barely keeping it together and Kyungsoo knows it. His profanity is a last line of defense - it’s the last barrier he has before the floodgates burst open and rage swallows everything in its path. Defeated, Kyungsoo resigns himself to coming out and saying it plainly. He refuses to meet eyes with his husband as he finally admits, “Yes, I cheated on you with Chanyeol.” He braces for impact and waits for the inevitable screaming to occur, but is shocked when it fails to happen. Instead, he hears a low, guttural groan sound itself from Jongin’s throat. At first it’s just noise and he and Chanyeol connect for a second to share a look of concern and contrite. But then it escalates into chaos in the span of a few moments.

“Fuck! Damn it!” Jongin yells as he swipes a plate off the table and smashes it on the ground. Numerous ceramic shards fly everywhere from the blow. “Shit!” He cries again and kicks over his chair. His fists flex at his sides, knuckles gone white from the pressure. His breakdown is unparalleled to any the two of them have witnessed before. This uninhibited display of wrath warrants a terror in Kyungsoo he’s never felt in response to Jongin’s prior meltdowns.

“What, did you think you could make a cuckold out of me and get away with it? Damn it, you two were just sneaking behind my back all along, weren’t you?” He punches the wall behind him, putting an off-putting hole through it. “I trusted you two! How was I supposed to expect that this would happen? How was I supposed to know that my husband would sleep with my best friend behind my back?” Another crash sounds when he yanks a curtain rod out of place. His eyes are wild with a frantic desperation Kyungsoo’s never seen before. Horror strikes him when Jongin focuses on him, “Of all people, why did it have to be Chanyeol? Why my best friend? I know I’m sick in the head, I know I'm crazy, I know I’m a lot to deal with! But how could you do this?” He pulls at his hair with tears streaming from his face. It breaks Kyungsoo's heart for the tenth time today despite the fear constricting his windpipe. “I knew I shouldn’t have left. You were the one that told me to go on that damn tour! I should have known it was because you wanted to be rid of me. Fuck, how could I be so stupid?” He beats at his own head and rips out his hair. 

Chanyeol attempts to deescalate the situation in vain, “Jongin, please calm down.” It only works to make things a thousand times worse.

“Calm down? For fuck’s sake, you know that doesn’t work on me! It never has.” He flips over the tray that Kyungsoo brought in earlier, sending wine to stain the floor.

“Stop, please” Kyungsoo pleads with his hands covering his ears while Jongin rages in the background. Expletives continue to fall from his lips, sounding vile and evil in Kyungsoo’s mind. He sinks to his knees unable to take the weight of standing up. In the distance, he registers Chanyeol moving to advance toward him. As much as the man was the reason he got himself into this mess in the first place, his comfort is all he wants right now. Kyungsoo outstretches his hands to him. “Chanyeol,” he moans in despair.

At this, the man rushes to his side at the speed of light. His arms are wrapped around him in an instant, no holds barred since their worst nightmare is coming to life. In that moment Chanyeol’s one purpose is to provide solace to the man he loves in his weary state. Although Jongin’s wrath reigns upon them, he has tunnel-vision for Kyungsoo’s well being. The couple doesn’t notice the sudden hush that falls over the room, too preoccupied with each other to realize the disturbing calm. Chanyeol rocks his lover back and forth to a rhythm only they know while Kyungsoo snivels into his sleeve.

Jongin is stunned to silence at the betrayal. It sobers him like nothing else ever had. No more than two months ago was Kyungsoo holding him as securely as Chanyeol is doing for him. How could so much go wrong since then? What did he do wrong? His heart cracks in two, unable to be mended by any amount of coddling. Not that he would be receiving any by the looks of it. He glances around at the room in shambles, disappointed and ashamed to have lost his temper yet again. Fuck, he’s such a trainwreck. It’s no wonder Kyungsoo doesn’t want him anymore. 

Chanyeol’s phone still rests on the table, untouched among the disarray of broken glass and scattered silverware. Jongin is drawn to it with an inexplicable desire. He approaches the table, takes the phone into his shaking hands, and presses down on the power button. The screen lights up with that same photo of Kyungsoo boroughed beneath their white duvet. He softens at how peaceful his husband looks, long eyelashes brushing his cheeks and silky hair strewn on the pillow. Amongst his deep slumber a gentle curve adorns his beautiful, plump lips. It’s been forever since Jongin’s seen that gorgeous smile - even before he left on tour. It torments him to realize that Kyungsoo can let his defenses fall around Chanyeol, but not himself. What changed? When did things become so convoluted? He grimaces wryly at the irony of his situation. His best friend and his husband… He really is a hopeless fuck-up. 

A shiny glint catches his eye from beneath a discarded napkin. When he first picks it up, it’s just to provide relief from admiring the phone’s wallpaper any longer. But soon, a dark curiosity looms over him. The knife is sharp as he runs a finger across its blade, dots of blood beginning to burst from the line of broken skin. It’s fascinating enough that he can’t remove his fixation from the stark scarlet color, distracting him from the emptiness he feels inside. Another shallow slash yields more red, and another one even more. Jongin keeps going, hissing as they get deeper and grow in size. The more cuts he makes, the more reprieve he gets. Each one comes with a stinging in its place and he welcomes the physical pain to forget the numbness inside his chest. It makes him feel alive; he’ll chase that feeling to the end if he has to.

Tears are rushing off his face with abandon but he can’t even muster the strength in his arms to wipe them away. The saltiness stings as it falls into open wounds and mixes with the blood that runs down his hands to collect on the surface beneath him. Eventually, he feels lightheaded enough to have to stop and support himself against the table. He accidentally knocks off a stray dish that clinks noisily as it hits the ground. Jongin winces when he attempts to retrieve it, his head weakly protesting an action his arms wouldn’t have been able to perform regardless. The restriction makes him feel like shit. He can’t make an even bigger mess of the room. He can’t be an even greater burden to Kyungsoo. He can’t be even more worthless than he already is.

“Fuck,” he curses again, but this time without resolve and with all the agony of a broken man.

The utterance reminds Chanyeol and Kyungsoo of the other presence in the room, both startling. Their eyes dart to Jongin and widen as they process what occurred in their ignorance. Kyungsoo lets out a blood-curdling shriek when he sees the damage he did to himself. The image is something straight from a gorey horror movie, a genre he’s never been able to stomach. He feels bile rising in his throat at the scene in front of him, but he fights to keep it down. Chanyeol tenses at his side, at a loss of what to do. He’s just as shaken as he is. They cling to each other, too shocked to move and do something.

Jongin tries to cut again and it breaks Chanyeol from his stupor. He leaps up to put himself between the knife and his best friend, gripping the handle before the blade can touch skin again. “Jongin, please. Please stop.” He begs. His eyes shine with unshed tears, but he’s not sure how much longer he can keep himself together. “Please stop. You don’t deserve this. Don’t do this to yourself.”

A switch flips inside Jongin’s brain and he’s gone again. “I didn’t do this to myself…” His hazy eyes find clarity on Chanyeol’s face. “You did. You corrupted him. You came into my house and ruined everything,” he mutters quietly, if only for himself to hear. “You did this,” he says listlessles, then repeats with conviction and building fury. “You did this!” 

Chanyeol doesn’t have time to process the words before Jongin maneuvers him into a chokehold and holds the blade to his neck. “This is your fucking fault, Chanyeol! It’s your fault!” He screams into his ear with no regards to anything else in that moment. “I loved you both! You put up with me and stayed by my side. You loved me through the toughest moments and told me to hang on. So why? Why this betrayal?”

Kyungsoo can’t breathe. He can’t do anything but cry and cry some more. His heart shatters for Jongin, for Chanyeol. This is his fault, no one else’s. “Drop the knife, Jongin. Please, it’s not Chanyeol’s fault. It’s mine.” He makes the conscious decision to say what’s next in hopes of getting his husband to release the other. “Please let him go, Jongin. It was me. I initiated it. I fell in love… I fell out of love.” 

“Oh,” Jongin whispers lifelessly, a tossed away sound. Those words break the last bit of insanity he was struggling to maintain. “Oh,” He says again as his face crumples. “You don’t love me anymore…”

“It’s not your fault either, Jongin. It’s mine. All mine,” Kyungsoo confesses with his hands up in surrender. “It’s no one else’s fault but mine, so please let him go.”

Jongin’s tears rush off his face like a current and Kyungsoo's surprised he can even see through it. “I can’t. I can't. I can't. I can’t.” 

His grip tightens with his frustration and Chanyeol gasps for air, “Jongin, please.”

“Shut up! Why did you have to take him? Why did you have to do it? Why, why, why!” Kyungsoo is distressed in every way at those spine-chilling wails. How could he have done this to him? He crawls over so slowly, as if one creak of the floor beneath him would trigger a startled movement of Jongin’s hand - everything would be over.

“We can talk, darling. We can talk this through if you just drop the knife,” Kyungsoo does his best to mediate the situation while suppressing the true extent of his anxiety. 

“Don’t call me that,” Jongin sobs and presses the blade harder against Chanyeol’s neck. “And don’t say we can talk. I don’t want to hear you tell me you don’t want me anymore. I will die if I have to hear that again - I would rather die than hear it again.” He says the last sentence with so much confidence that even Chanyeol bits his lip to keep in a warbling bawl.

Kyungsoo tries to choose his words cautiously, but he’s not sure what’s considered safe territory anymore. “Then we don’t have to talk. I can hold you. We can fall asleep in each other’s arms like we used to do. Doesn’t that sound nice? I want nothing more than to hold you right now.”

It’s a compelling argument, but Jongin sees through the lie like always. He’s relying on adrenaline as his only fuel considering the amount of blood he’s lost. He’s running out of time to consider the options. He doesn’t want to talk when he knows nothing good will come from it. He doesn’t want to be held knowing he’s the foreigner to Kyungsoo’s arms now. But he also doesn’t want to live knowing that he wasn’t fucking enough for the man he always loved and adored - the man begging him to give in. 

“Lying to me even now…” He lowers his head to hide his tears of defeat and devotion. The world stops as Kyungsoo and Chanyeol look into each other’s eyes in promise to get through this. When Jongin looks up, he musters a bright smile accompanied by the saddest eyes his husband had ever seen on him. “I won’t live knowing I can’t have you. But I’m not letting him have you either.”

After that, time passes so quickly. Neither Kyungsoo nor Chanyeol have a moment to process the true meaning of those words before Jongin does the deed. Chanyeol is gone within seconds after the knife is dragged in a clean cut across his neck. Whereas Jongin’s eyes are dull and gray, Kyungsoo’s are horrorstriken as he lets out a petrifying screech. He rushes to Chanyeol’s fast paling body and sits in a pool of his fresh blood. The hand he takes in his is still warm, but it feels so wrong. 

Jongin watches the display without remorse, every sensible fiber of his brain long gone. He only wishes to hold Kyungsoo one last time before it’s all over - before he has the chance to hate him forever. The knife in his hand clatters to the ground as he finally loses the strength in his hand to grip it. Jongin falls to his knees before the rest of his body hits the floor with a painful thud. No, he has to embrace Kyungsoo again. He has to go in the warmth of his arms. He has to tell him he loves him to the end and beyond. He claws the flooring in sheer desperation to haul himself to his husband.

“Kyungsoo,” his voice breaks weakly. The last of his tears spill in huge globs when his arms finally protest. “My angel, I love you, I love you, I love you so much,” Jongin weeps repeatedly to assure the other would hear him.

Kyungsoo carefully sets Chanyeol’s hand to lay across his waist and folds his eyelids closed. A kiss is placed atop his forehead and it’s the final goodbye. Then, he turns to Jongin slowly with dead eyes observing his pitiful figure on the floor. It’s a split-second, spur of the moment decision when he lunges for the knife and flips Jongin over to stab him straight through the stomach.

Jongin gasps shakily, as if no air was capable of passing through his lungs. For the first time in what feels like months, he gets to see Kyungsoo’s face so closely. Even as the other drives the blade home again and again, he can only admire the golden flecks in his eyes that are only visible from this distance. His husband crushes his waist with his weight but all Jongin wants to do is cradle the space behind ear where he knows a mole resides. Kyungsoo crumples against him in a full-body sob and Jongin wants nothing more than to kiss the lips resting against his neck. He hasn’t kissed him since he first departed for the summer, and he only wants to feel whole again before he’s unable to for the rest of eternity. But Kyungsoo doesn’t even give him that. Jongin makes do.

“S-Soo, I love you f-forever,” He means to say, but is unsure how much of it was intelligible.

Kyungsoo’s gritted last words strike the final blow to his heart, but he doesn’t even have time to react before he finally lays rest to his soul.

“Go to Hell.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author's note:** Wow, what an experience. Writing this certainly was not the easiest thing to do all year. I planned to have more time to write, but things happened along the way. Still, I'm so glad I got to participate in NHE again this year :) I rarely write fanfiction anymore, so I really struggled to finish this and feel good about it. Still, I'm proud of myself just for completing it! To the NHE mods, thank you as always for hosting this fest every year. It's such a thrill to read the works and participate when I can! To the prompter, thank you for such a fun and creative prompt. I don't think I was able to bring the story to life as much as I would have liked, but thank you regardless. To the readers, thank you guys for sticking with me by reading to the end. It means so much to know that people are reading my writing. Feel free to leave kudos and/or a comment - I'll love you forever <33


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